Watching athletes (who’ve trained for their whole lives) compete at the Olympic level is nothing short of breathtaking. Mostly. Okay, so some of the Olympic sports are less thrilling to watch, although those athletes are every bit as dedicated as the Michael Phelps and Team USA gymnasts of the world. That’s why, for the next round of the Olympics, I’d like to suggest that the IOC consider adding vacuuming as an Olympic sport.
The next big Olympic sport: vacuuming
No, I’m not kidding. I really think that vacuuming ought to be included in the Olympics. Now, before you continue laughing at the absurdity of it, hear me out.
1. Imagine this: lots of moms with vacuums at the Olympics means a cleaner venue.
How do I know it’ll be moms who get into the sport first? Well, who does the vacuuming already? Moms. We’re vacuum masters. Now, imagine this: lots of moms with vacuums wandering around the Olympic grounds. It doesn’t matter where the Olympics are held – it’s going to be the cleanest venue ever. After all, we gotta keep in top training shape for the big event, right?
2. Lots of moms mean fewer knucklehead decisions.
Remember those knucklehead swimmers in Brazil? Yeah, now imagine if they’d had a bunch of moms there with them. That whole problem wouldn’t have happened in the first place, because any level-headed mom would have enforced a reasonable bedtime, because of sleep. And since they’d have been in bed, fearing the moms of the vacuuming sports world, they wouldn’t have been out and about to trash a bathroom or making up being mugged.
Oh, and the IOC would let us enforce those bedtimes, because that’s part of the reason they unanimously Olympics-ified vacuuming in the first place.
3. The IOC could revolutionize the vacuum industry
Vacuums don’t last long when you’ve got lots of small kids, animals, lots of long hair, Legos on the floor, or small toys that accidentally get vacuumed up on purpose. If the IOC wants to do some amazing good for the world, they could revolutionize the vacuuming business. After all, what mom wouldn’t want an Olympic quality vacuum that could withstand a hurricane – and then vacuum up the whole wind-blown mess? (I want that vacuum!)
And since the best innovation doesn’t even always come from the existing big players, there’s little concern for financial foul play. The IOC won’t have a clue which company to buy stock in – because the next big thing could come from a Kickstarter campaign.
4. Imagine the cool vacuum-based obstacle courses that could be designed.
American Ninja Warrior is pretty cool. But what if you had to vacuum up a mess and haul around a corded vacuum while doing the course? I’m pretty sure any mom with more than two toddlers and a semi-clean living room would win that, hands down.
5. Vacuuming could be deleted from every chore chart ever made.
We all need some extra help getting kids to do chores, right? Now what if we turned one of the most procrastinated and/or hated chores into an Olympic sport?
I wouldn’t ever have to vacuum again, y’all.
Our kids would be too busy training for an Olympics event that they actually had a chance at! “No, it’s my turn to train for the Olympics!”
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Hmm… maybe we could add unloading the dishwasher to the Olympic sports lineup, too?